And where do you go?

I think the feeling of resentment towards college life stems from one thing. Loneliness. It's not something manly to admit, or something that's easy to admit at all, but what can you do when that's the truth? There's a great sense of abandonment. I grew up being very independent, individualistic, and not really wanting or needing anything from anybody. But I guess getting older makes you realize that humans are social creatures, and hermits are just nutcases. (Or people with extreme mental strength.) And as time drifts by, you get better at discerning the true friends from the ones that are just there to hang out with. Social friends. Not the ones you'd invite to your wedding, and definitely not the ones who would come to your funeral.

So when you stand alone, and your friends aren't physically there for you, where do you go? Jesus? Muhammed? God? My disillusionment with religion came after I lived in Manila and saw the poor praying all day, sitting in their shanty towns, and... praying some more. Money's not gonna fall from the sky man.. I've turned to cigarettes and alcohol more than once in hope of distracting my mind. Didn't really work out well. I'm considering turning there again, despite having experienced the pitfalls of these substances. I never wanted to be in the position where if I didn't have something, I'd pray for it. I never wanted to use religion as a crutch.

But I guess life is forcing me to consider that as an option. And I guess God/whomever's up there, is giving me the biggest chance in the world to learn about myself. That was my goal of coming out to the middle of nowhere: to receive an education for my future, and more importantly, to have time to reflect about my life - who I am, who I was, and who I REALLY want to be. I don't think life was meant to be easy. Although I think the trick to life is making it LOOK easy. So this experience here in bumfuck nowhere isn't any different. It's hard. It's lonely. It gives me time to reflect about who I am and who I want to be. And I think I'm getting a pretty fucking good idea.

I really miss home. My family. Grandma, aunts, cousins, uncles, bro, sis, dog. My car. My friends who would do anything for me at the drop of a dime. (Whom I'd do the same for.) Ultimately, these are the people who matter. I don't have to put their names down. They know who they are.

I don't want pity, nor attention. I want support. But I'm too proud to ask for it. Fuck me.