RAM Corp.

So Paula wants to buy a car. She says her dad'll get her a Infiniti G35 coupe. That's the same thing as a Skyline Coupe. Looks like a Fairlady-Z. But I'm thinking that an S2000, or a Z4 would be more ladylike. But she wants something that "shefeelssafeinandcanramthingsandestroythemifneedbe". So I suggested a BMW 645Ci, which costs USD 80 grand. Nope. Too expensive. Bently Continental GT, very rammable, but also very expensive. Ok no. We end up deciding on a BMW 325Ci. USD 33,000, highly rammable front grille, very chic for a woman.



But Paula hates bad traffic, and bad drivers. So we have to install machine guns for her. And of course, something to activate it. And instead of having Air/Oil temp gauges, and a shift lamp, we'll have:

1:13:08 AM Greg: pasting little postits on your speedo
1:13:19 AM Greg: 30 *arrow pointing* break leg-ram speed
1:13:26 AM Greg: 60 - killing-ram speed
1:13:31 AM Paula: HAHAHAHA
1:13:39 AM Paula: then theres the big red button
1:13:44 AM Paula: FORMACHINEGUNEMERGENCYONLY
1:13:48 AM Paula: IFRAMMINGDOESNOTKILL

Then for aesthetics, we'll have a nice sticker on the front saying:



It's only polite to warn people before you ram them.

In the midst of all this ramming fantasy, she wonders what would happen if she became a truck driver for one of those 12 wheelers. "PAULANORAMMINGOK" .... "ok..." "YOUHAVETOUNDERSTANDTHATYOUWILLNOTONLYKILLTHEGUYYOUARERAMMING"

Because this vehicle will be ramming stuff all over the place, it will be going really fast. Like KILLINGRAMMINGSPEED. So, I suggested we install a billboard, to act as a spoiler as well. But Paula says "DUDE DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH DRAG THERE WILL BE?? IWILLNOTBEABLETORAMATFULLSPEED!" To remedy the situation, we have decided to ask Pininfarina to design our Rammobile. So it'll come out looking like an Enzo with machine guns and billboards on the sides. The scissor doors will have swords sticking out the sides at the request of the lady driver, so that she can SLICEPEOPLEIFTHEYDONOTDIEFROMRAMMING.

The car is then built. At her request (again) we have a smiley face on the front. So when you ram someone they can see a happy face coming, and then have it stamped on their face/whicheverbodypartthatgetsrammedfirst when they get rammed.



Scenario 1:
My that's a sweet car Paula.
Yes i know. I canramthingsanddestroythemifneedbe.
How fast can it go?
KILLINGRAMMINGSPEED.
Show me.
OK........ oh shit I have my ramming grille with spikes, my machine guns, my nuclear BOOST (because NOS just isnt' fast enough) and my billboard sporting my warning sign. BUT I FORGOT TO INSTALL THE ENGINE. okoneminuteiwillshowyoukillingrammingspeedonceicangetittomove.

Scenario 2:
......rammingthings...etc...
Shit the engine's not powerful enough to move my 50 ton car.

Also, Paula says that if you imagined how a vehicle like that would look withswordsstickingoutthedoorsandbazookasointhetopandnuclearreactorsallovertheplace, people would get hurt just by looking at it. How true. We then decide to mass produce this Rammobile. But once it started selling, we'd stay home. Because I would probably get rammed by one of my own products. Top Gear can test it, and the Stig can drive it around his little runway test track. Ramming the tires that get in his way and ramming the clock so it stops faster than any other car. The US Army will wanna buy it because of its destructive power, but Paula will say "f*ck you, you'll have to ram me for it." And thus start a ramming competition. Then Al Qaeda will wanna buy one, and so will North Korea and Russia, and 21st Century warfare will be determined by ramming. Man's self worth will be determined by how many people he's rammed. So the whole world will be rammingeverythingintheirpath, and since the more you ram, the faster you go. But I have this bad feeling that we'll forget to install brakes. AHHHHHIMRAMMINGEVERYTHINGINMYWAYHOWDOISTOP??????? I think the only way to stop is to get rammed by someone else. But that won't be too hard, since everyone else has a Rammobile.

For our marketing campaign, we came up with a couple of slogans.
For the Company, it will be "RAM CORP. The more you ram, the faster you go."
CLEO/Cosmo Magazines: "Don't you hate it when men honk? RAM."
Men's Health: "RAM. You know you want to."
Discovery Kids: "When Daddy's late to pick you up, tell him to RAM."
Seventeen/someteenguymag: "There's better things in life than sex. RAM."
The other markets haven't been thought up yet. Like war veterans, scientists, politicians.
The car will be called the VHF : Vehicle From Hell. I'm imagining an ad would go soemthing like "The more you ram, the faster you go. The '06 VHF" *only available in one nuclear powered forward gear with no brakes. steering optional.

And before I knew it, my brain came to a ramming halt and it was 3am.