New friend

Current night-time friend: Diphenhydramine HCl 25mg
Looking for new night-time friend: Diazepam 2mg

Please call or email if you are able to locate my new friend. Thanks.

God , I'm about 50 bucks short on the change here

I'm sure everyone feels shortchanged by life once in a while. Come to think of it, I feel like I've been fucked over for a few years now. That is not to say that I have a lot of things in life that people would die for. College fees paid for, a great family, not to worry too much about my expenses, good friends (who will be at my wedding and see me grow grey hair), and good health. (Sorta, besides the fucking disc degeneration.)

Somehow we always manage to focus only on the fucked up, shitty things. Which is exactly what I've been doing lately.

I prayed a few weeks back (yes, I did. Surprisingly.) and asked God for some 'happiness.' Many say happiness is what you make of it. Which is true. But you can't ALWAYS be happy. (I guess it ain't my turn yet.) Then as soon as I did, things started looking up. The girls I was trying to date finally said they had boyfriends, allowing me to cross em off the list. Then I met a real nice lady whom I had a great time talking to, and even asked me to go to church with her. (Yea my mom would fucking love THAT.)

I, being me, got content. Complacent. And started to slip w/the prayers. 'Happiness' got the best of me, I started picking up more shifts at work because I felt good, and didn't give God enough credit I guess. I mean, how much is 'enough'?? Did I expend all my happiness too quickly? Was it time for God to take it back? Did I fuck up and let my self-absorption get in the way of humility? I became one of those fucking Sunday Catholics. The kind who ask for help when they need it. The kind who go to church on Sunday morning pretending to give peace to everyone, only to get back in their cars at the end of mass and call the guy who parked in front of them a "fucking asshole who could've parked elsewhere." Yup, I slipped. I'm that guy who just grabs and goes, then goes down the road telling everyone they have road rage when I'm telling them to fuck the hell off with a pistol in hand.

A friend said that perhaps God is testing me. And at the end of it all, I will have lived a fuller life than others. Really? A test, that drives you to self-fucking-up-ness? To cigarettes and alcohol? Test after test after test, layered upon itself like a piece of paper folded many times, increasing its thickness exponentially? At least that has an end. A test with no end? Great.

I guess I'll just take the pennies and live with 'em. Fuck life.

Playthings of the Gods

"All plots head towards death." Just something I learned in one of my English classes. And with Greek tragedies, humans feel like they're just pawns on a board, fiddled with by the Gods at their whim and fancy. Right, we can see how this post is diving right into depression, lugeing its way down the ice chute at breakneck speed, the only way it's going to stop is coming to a sudden, fatal crash. But how the fuck are you going to know you've stopped when you're dead?

I suppose you don't really notice all the normal, nice, everyday things when you're traveling that fast. Colors become a blur, shapes become indefinite strips, edges become a single continuous line with no end in sight. The beauty that surrounds you become deadly appendage-hurting/ripping/maiming objects. Things become what they aren't, and all perspective is lost........ and you can't stop it.

It's back to feeling like the world is unsympathetic. That nobody understands. I suppose nobody ever will. How can one fully sympathize with another when life itself is a unique experience? If it weren't unique, would it still be a life lived? Einstein once said that "only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." Do we always live for others? For our parents, family, friends? How bout for yourself? It sounds selfish, but I think people need to take a break, and do things for themselves sometimes. (Ha, and you never take your own advice. Fuck me.)

Perhaps I should go back to being the college-hating, life-loathing, chain-smoking alcoholic I once was. At least it's consistent. Rather than riding the fucking ice-luge tunnel of death with its twists and turns that blindside you and throw you around no matter how 'prepared' you are. Fuck.

"Life is just one damned thing after another." - Elbert Hubbard

And could you just hold that thought... and forcefully remove yourself..

Mark Norman Feat. Celine - Colour My Eyes
(don't bother about the graphic.)

Pleasure derived from retail therapy is directly proportionate to the cost of the purchase

So Marc popped the question of "Why does retail therapy feel so good?"

I said it's because we like new things. It's an expression (and extension) of yourself when you acquire products that reflect you/your lifestyle. Buying new things also allow you to revamp your image, etc. It's like building new stuff on top of the old. Your tastes are ever evolving, but your style should be rather constant.

Marc thinks it's something of a status symbol. To show others that you've "made it." ie. If you were driving around in a... Mercedes S-Class. It's like saying.. "mm hmm.. I'm enjoying life...got my golf bag in the trunk... a nice quiet cabin... and.. it's great." Makes sense also. Or buying a Burberry scarf. I mean, you could really get cheaper scarves, but.... hey. It's Burberry.

He just bought an iPod shuffle online, (and lied to me that it was for his girlfriend. Fucker.) and thought it would satiate his craving to 'help the economy', but it apparently hasn't. I hypothesized it was because he didn't actually go to the store, feel the physical product, pay for it (either with cash or physically signing a receipt), stick it in a bag and bring it home. Then unwrap the new purchase with glee. All it took were a few clicks and the iPod was on its way home. It's like checking your email! What's so special about that. You don't get the "ahhhhhhhhhh.... I can't wait to get home so I can play w/this damn thing!" feeling.

Therefore, the pleasure derived from retail therapy is directly proportionate to the cost of the purchase (made in person).

Growing pains

They always say things start going downhill after you turn 21, 30, 40, 50, whatever. I had another discussion with a friend about the entitlement of happiness. The consensus was that happiness is what you make of it. It's all about perspective, and making the most of what you have.

The past few weeks have seriously sucked. It's not easy growing up. (Or having grown up too fast.) To be there for your family when they need you, to do your job well - in this case to study hard etc. - and to take care of yourself. Basically, being an adult. I think it takes a lot of compartmentalization in your mind to separate rational thought, systematic planning, and crazed emotions so that you can function properly throught the day/week without feeling too fucked up. Does it get worse? A full time job, dating, paying rent and bills, helping to pay for your brother and sister's college tuition/expenses? Then when you're 30-something, add kids to that equation plus a morgage and 4 times your perishables consumption and you've got a granite sphere flying down the north face of Everest.

So I guess the whole point of college for me....... is really to learn a lot about myself. Where I stand in terms of comfort zones, life plans, etc. The things I want to be, and the things I DON'T want to be. It's painful, but... it's gotta be done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Pain is weakness leaving the body." - Some sick fuck.

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” - Lance Armstrong

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” - Jim Morrison

The Entitlement of Happiness

I'm back on Facebook. Why? Because Adriel the King of Wastrels invited me to join a group that's invite only, and features include : Restaurant websites, discussions on how to spend more money that you do NOT have, drinks and golf and the good life. No, really. That is why I rejoined facebook. I'm glad I haven't become re-addicted to it.

The recent weeks have sucked balls. I mean, really sucked balls. I repeat, SUCKED BALLS. Things going on w/the family - Aunt in the hospital, Mom asking me about my sis' college options, Dad asking me about bro's army plans - and then exams... and other bullshit going on here and there. Made me wonder why my life at college is so miserable. I mean, why does everything have to happen ALL AT ONE GO? (though sometimes a lot of pain at once is better than constant pain)

I haven't been truly happy for quite a while, to be honest. I mean, yea I have a fucking ball w/the guys... at Hacienda, on the golf course, at MoS/Zouk. But those are just brief moments of euphoria, of joy, and drunken wild abandon. How about true happiness? Waking up in the morning knowing that you're loved, that life has a purpose, and even though tomorrow might be a terrible day, you don't give a flying fuck because deep down inside, you're pleased and satisfied with the way things are. And it calms you.

So are we, as human beings, entitled to happiness? Do we deserve to be happy at least ONCE in our lives?? Is it our given right, just because we're alive, to be able to experience this... thing we like to call happiness - knowing in the back of your mind that it'll be okay, and that life at the moment is the best thing there is? I asked Marc.. and he said no. I think I agree.

I guess a ton of people are born into poverty, broken homes, no homes, bad living conditions, bad social conditions... etc. Will they ever be happy? For some reason I feel that kids in rural areas find happiness in their own way. Perhaps they haven't understood the complexities of life yet. And maybe that's the reason people who live in remote areas are so happy. Their lives are simple. But back to the question... I don't think happiness really falls into people's laps. Or from the sky. Or whatever. I think it's a state of mind that has to be consciously achieved. To be satisfied with what you have, then appreciate it to realize its true value. And then again.. sometimes I think karma's got a huge part to play in it. Do bad, and you get bad shit. Do good, and you'll get... fun stuff.

Some people live their whole lives in misery. Sometimes it could be by choice, sometimes not. You can't really choose what you want to feel all the time. Otherwise we'd be a pack of fucked up cold blooded animals. Or robots. Like Bender in Futurama. (Been watching too much late night tv/cartoon reruns.)